Internalized racism

I write this as an offering towards undoing aloneness, to counter the isolating effects of shame that says, you’re the only one. I also want to convey empowerment that comes from inner work. As Gabor Maté talks about, a trigger is a small part of a weapon, which also includes explosives and ammunition. While you can focus on avoiding triggers, you can also work to diffuse the explosive material within you. He gives the example, if someone where to say to me that I’m a green bush, I’d think they’re crazy or intoxicated, because there is no part of me that believes it’s true. However, if someone were to tell me that I’m not good enough, unlovable and it lands, then some (likely young) part of me believes it. These early formed, deeply held beliefs can be healed and released (see my blog post on the neurobiology of healing).

The messages from my parents aligned with the messages of racism and patriarchy:  I don’t have the right to exist, to experience safety, to take up space, that I don’t matter or belong.  I had a mother who would say daughters are suppose to make mothers happy and I’m the reason why she’s so miserable, a dad who would say I have no right to be happy. By the time I was in kindergarten, I wished I was white and thought it would make my life and family so much easier.  Of course, my adult self knows many people come from difficult families.

My painful upbringing forced to me to grow and heal.  Either I learned to swim or I would drown.  I am grateful for the fruits of my healing journey.  I think many people don’t feel they have intrinsic worth, just for being who they are. This can lead to chasing status, appearance, accomplishment, relationships or putting people down.  As Sandra Bloom says, hurt people hurt people.  If you’ve been oppressed, you also have learned how to oppress, if only yourself.  Every perpetrator was likely a victim; every victim, a perpetrator.  Sometimes victims are blamed.  Sometimes perpetrators are villified (e.g child molesters).  Being caught in outer blame (i.e. victim identification) is an abdication of responsibility. In order for a brain to heal and change, there has to be enough safety and enough stress.  Judgement from others and inwardly directed judgement undermines safety; inner and outer compassion are essential.  If cycles of violence are to be broken, no one can be excluded from compassion.