Lateral aggression

Carol Gilligan argues patriarchy is maintained by the violence (or threat of violence) of men and the silence of women.  This can also be expanded to groups of peoples with less access to safety, belonging, and dignity.

It may not be safe for those in disempowered groups to openly challenge and express anger to those with power.  This unmetabolized rage and frustration may directed be laterally, within group.  It’s probably safer and also can give the false illusion of power.  Women putting down other women; nurses being hostile to other nurses.  Something I find so compelling is the view that if a women were to actually empower herself, she would be seen as a traitor by her group, with a sense of aloneness and ostracization.

When I was younger, I felt I made some women uncomfortable by not wanting kids.  My sense is that they never gave themselves the space to actively consider, wrestle back and forth, whether or not to have kids; instead, on a certain level, they went on automatic pilot following expectations.  If they had fully owned their choices, by making them consciously, they would likely be comfortable with others’ differing decisions.

Identifying as victim doesn’t feel good in many ways, but there is the benefit of outward blame, rather than facing one’s self-doubt, painful beliefs and feelings of powerlessness and appropriate responsibility, acknowledging where one has harmed oneself, others and making amends.

Lateral aggression maintains existing power structures.  Doing the hard work freeing oneself of internalized patriarchy (power over), misogyny, racism, ableism and many forms of toxic cultural shame, throws contrast to those who are not doing this work.  Abdicating responsibility is easier if everyone else does the same.